He's In The Waiting

     So this summer has not been nearly as restful and rejuvenating as last summer. As I pack things and begin to stage our house to go on the market, I'm listening to "Take Courage" by Bethel Music. A lump in my throat and tears begin to form. I feel the spirit prompting me to write. So here it is. Here I am again. Waiting. If you've known me for at least 3 or so years, you know that Bradley and I had a difficult time getting pregnant with our miracle, Lillie.
     After an intense infertility battle we found out that were expecting Lillie on July 4th, 2015. Fireworks were literally erupting outside of my window as the second line appeared. This year, I can hear fireworks but they are a reminder this time. A reminder that God is faithful. Faithful in the moments of victory and faithful in the moments that seem like defeat through my worldly eyes. You see, we decided to try to have a second baby. The OBGYN said to give in a whirl naturally. My body quickly showed signs that it wasn't going to cooperate. So we found ourselves back in the fertility clinic. This July 4th, we will be accepting the fact that our first fertility treatment failed. Wondering, will one ever work again? Some of you might be wondering, why on earth is she sharing this? As I began to share about my infertility battle the last go around, I began hearing the stories of people around me. Infertility and miscarriages and many broken hearts. I decided that God has given me this story to share. Infertility sucks. It's mourning broken dreams. Mourning the loss of something that most people can achieve easily. I have to ask myself this time, should I sit in silence and cry alone over a negative pregnancy test? Is God not good if I never get pregnant again?
      Right before my last found of treatments in 2015 I finally accepted the fact that God is good even if I never have any children. It's still true. God didn't leave my womb empty though. He did the impossible. I have a feisty red headed 2 year old sleeping down the hall to prove it. What my body couldn't, God did. He did the same thing in the grave. He rose from the dead and conquered sin and death forever. Friends, we have hope.  God is a good God. God can do the impossible and he does it when he wants to. When I look in my daughter's eyes, I know she came at the perfect time. He loves us. He hears our cry. He holds us when that treatment fails. He holds us when we pull in the church parking lot and we see 50 Honda Odysseys and wonder if we will ever need one because we can't have multiple children. He loves us so much he would give himself up for us. If we seek him to find peace, we will find it. So, if you are in the midst of a battle, fall on Jesus. Let him carry you through this. Let him refresh you. Let him give you rest.

He leads me beside still waters.
3     He restores my soul.He leads me in paths of righteousness    for his name's sake.

Pslam 23:2-3

Consider it Pure Joy

   
      My family has had no shortage of struggles. Starting with my mom hemorrhaging after I was born and then again when she miscarried at 13 weeks. I watched my dad suffer and come within hours of being taken away before getting a new liver. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis in 2008 and have battled some nasty flares. My mom was told in 2013 that her heart was failing and need a valve replacement soon or she wouldn't be around much longer. I thought for sure it could only go up from here. As a human, it's normal to have feelings of rage when you are told that something is wrong with your body. However, as we progress in our relationship with Christ, our perspective of hard times should begin to change. As pastor Steven Furtick has said, "Don't be surprised that you're being chased when you're the one running with the ball." The ball being the Gospel. I just want to give a little timeline and brief testimony of our last two years.

"Consider it pure JOY, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" James 1:2-3

Summer 2013: We began pursuing a family
April 2014: I was diagnosed with PCOS and told it would be a long road to conception
September-December 2014: Four rounds of basic fertility treatments. All failed.
December 2014: We were told that we would not conceive without IVF

This was a breaking point for me. I hit my knees hard. I have never had the faith that God could do the impossible like I did the night we were told IVF was the only way. I believed God was bigger. I had seen him do great things before. However, I still had the mindset that "yes" had to be the answer. I would never have admitted it but I'm not sure I believed God would still be good if I couldn't be a mom.

March 2015: We met with a fertility specialist at CMC Main. She told us that she believed there was still a chance without IVF. I couldn't believe it. God had answered my prayers. I was given a new sense of hope and faith. God was saying, "I can do the impossible". They would try 3 rounds. After that, they would stop and move to IVF.

April 2015: First round of more intense fertility treatments. It failed. This was hard. I thought for sure that since God had provided a way out of IVF, it would surely work the first time. I'm not really sure why I thought that. Many tears. We were also overwhelmed with costs. Even though we were not doing IVF, we were still paying hundreds of dollars. God provided. We were given a check for $1,200 which covered one round of treatment. We all cried over how God was moving.

May 2015: Second round. It failed. This was less painful than the first for some reason. God really began to work on my heart during this time. I was able to believe that even if I never got pregnant, God is still good. I also heard God saying to follow him blindly. That word, blindly, kept popping up in my mind. That meant giving up control. Just letting God deal with it. I clung to Psalm 23. I would close my eyes and picture Jesus leading me to the most peaceful place. I would imagine being too weak to walk and him carrying me through the valley. I knew that no matter what happened, I had Jesus. He would be my comfort. He is good.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

June 2015: I was the calmest I had been in 2 years. I had peace that transcended all understanding.  I was a little nervous but I had peace in that God had a plan for me and it would be greater than anything I could imagine. This was the LAST round. Well, it worked! I cried for a good 30 minutes when that second line appeared. Sometimes, I still wonder if I'm dreaming. The feeling of God's mercy when we saw that heart beating was overwhelming.

"Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy." Psalm 28:6

There are so many women in the Bible who wanted children and couldn't conceive, but did.  I would read their stories over and over again knowing that God could do the same thing today. I like to think it's one of God's favorite miracles.

"So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "I asked the Lord for him".  1 Samuel 1:20

Lastly, I want people to know that IVF is not some horrible thing. I know people that have had to go through IVF and it could still be us in the future. IVF costs over $10,000 a round and many people need multiple rounds. There are ethical ways for IVF to be done. Some people may wonder why we didn't pursue adoption. We researched and researched. We prayed. We felt God was leading us to continue fertility treatments. I was surprised. I thought he would move my heart to adoption. I think it is still a possibility.

Thank you friends and family that have cried with us, prayed with us, and hoped with us.

One Year

It's August. I've been dreading this month. I hoped for a miracle. It didn't come. Well, at least what I wanted to happen hasn't happened. So what is it? A baby.

Last August we started trying. I knew it could take a few months but the months kept going by.  Nothing.

It hurts. Bad. Watching so many friends experience this miracle in their life and then multiple times. Why me? Haven't I been through enough? These are some of the questions I've been asking in the past couple of months.

Of course I've been to the doctor. He was so nice and understanding. I assumed they would make me keep trying for longer before they would do anything. Long story short, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Along with about 1 in 10 women. I love science so I've been studying it nonstop. Basically it's something that was made way worse when I was pumped full of steroids and gained some fluff during my lovely flares.  Enough of that. Let's get to the important part.

Back to the why me? I don't have an answer for that. But, I have had that question before. More than once! And it usually ends with my "major" event glorifying God on levels I'm sure I don't understand.        God loves to make me sit back and watch. He always has, from a dying dad to being jobless a week before we got married. From impossible flares to providing a godly husband. He loves making the impossible possible in my life.

Many times before I lacked the faith that he could do it and that he has a plan for my life. I'm approaching this differently. I'm going to go back to Bethel like Jacob did. I'm going to remember that the Lord is good. He is faithful. I'm expecting something big. He has done it before.

I debated whether or not to expose this to the world. Is it too personal? Too weird? Well, I decided to share anyways. I have a feeling there are others out there in impossible situations. We need to stick together and encourage each other. So, it's done!

Greater than Great

Psalm 89:1
1 I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations.

I feel like there is no word in the English language or probably any language to describe how great our God is. I have been pressed to think about this recently as the Lord has been doing the most spectacular things in our lives. I just can't hold it in anymore. I have to write and share about what we have been experiencing. I shared with our egroup that I was worried about getting a house. I've never wanted a house. I've pictured myself in an apartment in Europe forever. Isn't a house too worldly? Being planted in the USA of all places seemed scary to me. Well, here we are. We are set to close on our house in ONE WEEK. I've been praying that if it was the wrong move or too permanent, that God would show us. We hit some bumps along the way. So, I want to share how God has proven his faithfulness and sovereignty in this process. In order to make it short and sweet, I'm going to do it in a list:)

1) House is pushed back to August 20th.
2) We find out the next day that we need A LOT more at closing.
3) If the house had not been pushed back, we would not have had time to save.
4) While trying to save, it came down to tithing and other offerings vs. groceries and gas
5) Tithing continued and groceries went on credit cards
6) The perfect amount we needed to close on our house fell in our lap. Like manna. SERIOUSLY. CRAZY. That story will remain a secret. Sorry!
7) I call to make a payment for one of B's student loans. They said I had paid too much previously and that we owed $0.00!! WHAT. I've never overpaid. THERE IS NO WAY.
8) I go the doctor. My co-pay is close to $100. When I went to check out, they said I didn't owe anything. They have a special contract with my insurance company that will only let me pay so much. I am still super confused about that.
9) Groceries and gas on credit cards are being paid off much quicker than originally planned.

Things like this are continuing to happen on a regular basis. I want to make it clear that God has not provided for us because of what WE did. HE is growing our faith through his provision and through his word constantly. He planted us here. In the Steele Creek area of Charlotte. It has become our ministry. We love it. Thank you Jesus.

Two Years!

Today we celebrate two years of marriage! I am so thankful for my husband. The Lord uses him to speak truth and love into my life daily. I have been reflecting a lot the past few days on our history together. Bradley and I met at UNCC because we were both involved in Campus Crusade for Christ. A few months later, some guy friends moved into the same apartment complex as some of us other girls from CRU. It made for some great times of fellowship. There were nights that we would get together and worship. Sometimes we would play games or watch movies. It was definitely a very special time in my life. One of those guys was Bradley! By November 2009, we had caught each other's eye. :) We spent 8 weeks during Summer 2010 with very little communication while I was in Italy/Slovakia and he was in East Asia. Once we were reunited, we knew we never wanted to spend time away from each other again. Just a few months later, we were engaged! So, that's our love story in a nutshell!

Some major events from our second year of marriage include:

-A trip to Slovakia (my favorite place on Earth!)
-A hospital stay from a nasty flare
-Graduate school started
-Bradley was accepted into the CMPD police academy
-We signed a contract to build a house!
-Bradley graduated from the academy! BIG YAY!!!!! I am one proud wife!
-We bought a new to us car (not wanted or planned-yuck)
-I finished my second year of teaching

This has been a VERY exciting and big year! I can't wait to see what the third year brings!

I was looking through some wedding photos...

Practicing for the big day

 

Mr. and Mrs. Bradley Morris

Our beautiful cake.

 

 

 

Love my daddy!

 

Really missing this!

 

 

 

Such a wonderful time and a wonderful two years!

 

 

Itsy Bitsy Spider.

WARNING: If you don't like nasty bug bites don't look!:)

One afternoon, I was sitting in a meeting in a science classroom. I felt something bite me on the foot. I smacked my foot and a little brown spider fell on the floor. My friend killed it. I didn't think a thing about it. Several days passed. The week before EOGs, I noticed that I started to feel very achy. I thought I must have pulled several muscles or something even though I really hadn't done anything. Friday morning, I woke up with my thigh feeling like someone had punched it. I still had not really put the pieces together. I didn't think there was any way that a little pink bite on my foot would cause me to feel achy and have swollen lymph nodes. When I went to urgent care, I had a fever. They convinced me that it was indeed the spider bite causing me to be sick. I ended up on two high powered antibiotics and dealing with a fever for 3 days. Here are some pictures from the bite's progression. It is all better now:)

Just a few days after the bite

After one day of antibiotics

A few days in, it started to ulcerate.

Then it turned very blue

 

Eventually it healed and formed a scab.

 

Isn't that WEIRD and GROSS?!

 

SO. What does any decent teacher do? Make it a teachable moment.

 

After EOGs, I decided to dedicate a day to dangerous insects of NC. There are some NASTY caterpillars around here guys! Anyways... I thought this foldable title was cute!!!

 

Building an idol. Oops, I mean house!

Over the past four months, we have waited, hoped, and prayed for our home as it being built. There have been many ups and downs in this process. For example, today we found out we make too much money for the loan that we had been initially approved for. Bradley was still in the academy and they do pay them a little more when they get out. Now we have to apply for another loan that is less young couple friendly. When we received the news, I was furious. WE make too much money? Is that a joke? This is how the government thanks us? Grrrrrr. I laughed. I cried. I panicked. Yesterday, we found out that builders around the city are struggling to build houses quickly this year due to weather and a shortage of workers and our house will not be ready until mid-August. I cried. I got angry. When Bradley got home from work yesterday, I asked him how his day was. He told me he saw a dead body. Yes. That is weird that we discuss things like that but we are weird after all. I asked what happened. He said a girl texting crossed the center line and hit an older couple who had just celebrated 40 years of marriage and were on their way to breakfast. The impact killed the older woman. Bradley shared a few other details which brought me to tears. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. What am I doing? I have made an idol out of my house. I think about it all of the time. I can't wait to drive by and see it. When I thought I might not have it or not on time, I lost my mind. Then I began to sulk about how bad I am. I'm such a sinner. Blah Blah Blah. But I reflected on something David Platt says in his book, Follow Me. It's dangerous to stay in that place for long. When we make the decision to follow Christ, we die with Christ. We die to ourselves. We are raised to life IN Christ. It's sort of like a house. When we are raised to life, it's like a lot being prepared for a structure. Over time, a structure is built. Piece by piece. Eventually it will become what the architect designed but it's not easy. There are ups and downs and things that don't pass inspection and need to be worked on again. I am thankful for what the Lord can teach us in this life. I am thankful he doesn't leave us an empty lot but builds us into a pretty house that is strong.

 

 

"I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules."
Ezekiel 36:25-27