Consider it Pure Joy

   
      My family has had no shortage of struggles. Starting with my mom hemorrhaging after I was born and then again when she miscarried at 13 weeks. I watched my dad suffer and come within hours of being taken away before getting a new liver. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis in 2008 and have battled some nasty flares. My mom was told in 2013 that her heart was failing and need a valve replacement soon or she wouldn't be around much longer. I thought for sure it could only go up from here. As a human, it's normal to have feelings of rage when you are told that something is wrong with your body. However, as we progress in our relationship with Christ, our perspective of hard times should begin to change. As pastor Steven Furtick has said, "Don't be surprised that you're being chased when you're the one running with the ball." The ball being the Gospel. I just want to give a little timeline and brief testimony of our last two years.

"Consider it pure JOY, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" James 1:2-3

Summer 2013: We began pursuing a family
April 2014: I was diagnosed with PCOS and told it would be a long road to conception
September-December 2014: Four rounds of basic fertility treatments. All failed.
December 2014: We were told that we would not conceive without IVF

This was a breaking point for me. I hit my knees hard. I have never had the faith that God could do the impossible like I did the night we were told IVF was the only way. I believed God was bigger. I had seen him do great things before. However, I still had the mindset that "yes" had to be the answer. I would never have admitted it but I'm not sure I believed God would still be good if I couldn't be a mom.

March 2015: We met with a fertility specialist at CMC Main. She told us that she believed there was still a chance without IVF. I couldn't believe it. God had answered my prayers. I was given a new sense of hope and faith. God was saying, "I can do the impossible". They would try 3 rounds. After that, they would stop and move to IVF.

April 2015: First round of more intense fertility treatments. It failed. This was hard. I thought for sure that since God had provided a way out of IVF, it would surely work the first time. I'm not really sure why I thought that. Many tears. We were also overwhelmed with costs. Even though we were not doing IVF, we were still paying hundreds of dollars. God provided. We were given a check for $1,200 which covered one round of treatment. We all cried over how God was moving.

May 2015: Second round. It failed. This was less painful than the first for some reason. God really began to work on my heart during this time. I was able to believe that even if I never got pregnant, God is still good. I also heard God saying to follow him blindly. That word, blindly, kept popping up in my mind. That meant giving up control. Just letting God deal with it. I clung to Psalm 23. I would close my eyes and picture Jesus leading me to the most peaceful place. I would imagine being too weak to walk and him carrying me through the valley. I knew that no matter what happened, I had Jesus. He would be my comfort. He is good.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

June 2015: I was the calmest I had been in 2 years. I had peace that transcended all understanding.  I was a little nervous but I had peace in that God had a plan for me and it would be greater than anything I could imagine. This was the LAST round. Well, it worked! I cried for a good 30 minutes when that second line appeared. Sometimes, I still wonder if I'm dreaming. The feeling of God's mercy when we saw that heart beating was overwhelming.

"Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy." Psalm 28:6

There are so many women in the Bible who wanted children and couldn't conceive, but did.  I would read their stories over and over again knowing that God could do the same thing today. I like to think it's one of God's favorite miracles.

"So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "I asked the Lord for him".  1 Samuel 1:20

Lastly, I want people to know that IVF is not some horrible thing. I know people that have had to go through IVF and it could still be us in the future. IVF costs over $10,000 a round and many people need multiple rounds. There are ethical ways for IVF to be done. Some people may wonder why we didn't pursue adoption. We researched and researched. We prayed. We felt God was leading us to continue fertility treatments. I was surprised. I thought he would move my heart to adoption. I think it is still a possibility.

Thank you friends and family that have cried with us, prayed with us, and hoped with us.